Recovering from CFS/ME and Fibromyalgia

Grieving for the life you've lost

2010-11-08T10:10:00.001Z

When you get the symptoms of ME, CFS and fibromyalgia they are such that you lose your capacity to have the life you used to have. There is a spectrum of how severe each individual’s symptoms are and thus how much loss you are experiencing. However, it is still important to be aware that you are experiencing a loss and thus you need to go through the grieving process consciously.
There are slightly different models of grieving and so I encourage you to read and research for yourself too. Below is one of the most recognized models with more information about Elisabeth Kubler Ross at - http://www.ekrfoundation.org/. (Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009.)

Five Stages of Grief - Elisabeth Kübler Ross

1 - Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with ME symptoms because it’s a condition that is hard to ‘see’ and so admit to.

2 - Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them.

3 - Bargaining. Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing losing their former life can involve attempting to bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "If I rest in bed all day I’ll be able to…..". Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution.

4 - Depression. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5 - Acceptance This stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. At this point the person is able to move into recovery and sustain that recovery.

I spent many years in denial - I really couldn't admit I was ill and I couldn't admist that I was anxious or nervous and suppressing negative thoughts. Yet when I did stop denying I was able to move quickly through my recovery. It was so important for me to acknowledge that I was in and out of these stages - then I was able to stop repressing my anger and allow my depression to lift.

People can get stuck at different stages in the steps and move backwards and forwards. It is with the awareness that they have suffered a great loss and need to grieve, that they can then move on into the recovery stage. If someone is using the Gupta Programme and struggling then it is important for them to examine if they are stuck in the grieving process. They can then work through the steps and look at some core issues before returning to the Gupta Programme ready to recover.

Acceptance

2010-11-04T19:17:00.001Z

If you wake up every morning wondering ‘why me’ and other negative thoughts about your current condition, then it’s time to think about ACCEPTANCE. The reason this is so important is all these thoughts feed into the amygdale’s vicious cycle that keeps the symptoms coming. Let’s explore what acceptance really means:

it is receiving without criticism or judgment.

to embrace the fullness of a situation or experience.

an inner realization that all is well, regardless of the outward expression.

What this means when you have an overactive amygdale which causes pain and symptoms is that although you don’t have to like what is going on in your life, you must accept that it, whatever it is, is going on. If you fail to accept reality you are not able to make a conscious choice. When you do not choose, you live by default. You are a victim of circumstances. When, however, you discover that this condition is in your life so life is not going the way you would like it to go, nothing makes sense. It makes you angry or afraid. When you are angry, nothing makes sense. If you are afraid, it makes even less sense. If you are angry and afraid it’s an unconscious trigger. There comes a time in everyone’s life when they must accept that nothing makes sense, and they have no sense, but everything will still turn out okay. Acceptance is knowing that no matter what, everything is and will be just fine.

Acceptance is simply recognition. When you recognize a thing, you see it for what it is. All of our experiences, no matter how awful they appear to be, are temporary. Acceptance of an experience as a temporary situation can make it a lot easier to handle. It does not mean you will not be temporarily angry, frightened or senseless. It means you can usually handle something in a calm manner when you know it is a temporary situation. Acceptance is also an express ticket out of fear and anger. It takes you from where you are to where you want to be without stopping in every little negative emotion. Accepting a thing does not mean you approve of what is going on. Nor does it mean you are not being impacted by what is going on. Acceptance means you are able to withdraw the emotional attachment just long enough to really see what is happening. You see it, feel it, and may even know that something must be done; however, it is only from the emotionally detached posture of acceptance that you can make wise choices.

When your symptoms showed up it meant you were faced with having to accept this new reality. Acceptance is a form of initiation. It is a rite of passage. You are passing from the fantasy you have created in your mind, for your own protection into the real world of truth and facts. When you undergo the initiation of acceptance, it usually means that something secret and hidden is being revealed to you. It means you are being called to show what you are made of. It is an act of courage.

Acceptance is the essence of respect for one’s self and others. When you accept the reality of your life, thereby demonstrating your willingness to make a conscious choice, you honour the wisdom, strength and tenacity of the divine spirit within you.

Without the emotional charge of anger, fear and victimization, it is easy to accept the reality of your life. By accepting what is, you become keenly aware of what isn’t. When you know what isn’t, you can begin to determine what you must do. Acceptance also requires a great deal of trust, and even more patience.

Accept that what is yours will come to you in the right way at just the right moment. Patiently acknowledge and accept that what is not for you is not for you, no matter what you choose to tell yourself.

Are you able to accept your current symptoms and free yourself from this secondary trigger to your amygdala? Are there other things in your life that you need to accept?

If you want coaching to recover from ME, CFS or other related symptoms go to www.golightlycoaching.com

Self Sabotage / The Inner Critic

2010-10-31T17:05:00.000Z

Self Sabotage or the Inner Critic
Self sabotage or the inner critic are a part of your mind that loves to talk to you from past experience, thinking it’s protecting you, warning you of all the possible terrible consequences of things you do. The voice that is sabotaging you is based on unconscious programming from the past. Times when you failed an exam, when your relationship ended, when you were told you were ugly. So the self sabotages your current actions trying to make you safe and problem-free. And yet all these negative thoughts keep you trapped in the misery and a vicious cycle of negative thoughts.

If you want to recover and to do that use the Gupta Programme, which includes the amygdale retraining technique and yoga, breathing and meditation, it means a high level of self care. It means you are able to love yourself so much you will dedicate time and what energy you have to using the Programme. If however, instead of self love, you have a high level of self sabotage then you will find it a challenge to use the Programme.

The inner critic is prepared to use your past to hold you back – if you were told as a child you must be quiet and not speak up, to be a good girl, to always put others first then these patterns are what the self saboteur will use now. The unconscious voice will distort and stretch the present so that you focus only on what you think you can’t do or be. The voice is not afraid to speak up and tell you that you’re not good enough or you don’t deserve to be happy and healthy.

The good news is that you have an inner coach which is conscious and speaks for your true self. This voice knows you deserve and are good enough to be healthy and it knows that by using the Gupta Programme this will become true. It knows it’s a challenge and it’s okay to feel sad or frustrated. But it knows the good and that you must celebrate and bring this to the forefront of your conscious thoughts. The inner coach knows that problems are challenges and out of all bad things come blessings in disguise. For example, ending one relationship led you to a new town and a new better relationship.

The challenge for you is to listen to the inner coach more and more – to give it the attention it needs to get stronger. The self saboteur is so strong and ever-present and quick to slap down the inner coach. The self saboteur has been in your mind for a long long time and been given support by family, teacher and society. If your mother worried then she unknowingly fed your self saboteur and now you are a great worrier too. Your inner coach has not had such support and so needs that attention now. Both voices come from you and at times both perspectives have value – in the right proportions. Right now you need a bigger inner coach who you really trust. You need to have an inner coach who guides you and an inner critic who pipes in now and then with a gentle warning.

Let your inner coach start supporting you (just like a life coach) in the following ways:

• Encourages you to set a daily routine from the Gupta Programme that is in tune with your values

• Believes you can do it! Helps to generate self confidence that you can get better

• Accepts you are doing your best and knows you will get better at taking action

• Explores life’s options with you

• Keeps you motivated

• Celebrates your accomplishments along the way

Your inner critic, on the other hand, seeks to do the opposite of all that and thinks it’s safer for you to remain living with your symptoms – so it’s self sabotage all the way.
To switch to your inner coach and let it come through loud and clear you can do the following exercises:

Exercise A

1. Set aside time to let your thoughts wander on Recovery (or other issues). Start to listen to the voices that come through. Can you hear the voice of your inner critic? What does it sound like? What does it say? Do you hear a lot of ‘should’, ‘ought’ or ‘must’? It is taunting, mocking, strident, and sarcastic? Or is it sorrowful, fed-up, depressed, and dejected? Is it a person or various people you know? Or something else?

2. Now imagine a voice that is the opposite. How does it sound? What does it say? Is it a voice you now and love or one that is delightfully fresh to you? If you turn up the volume on this voice, how do you feel? Does your inner critic complain? If so, let it fade away and fizzle out all by itself and keep turning up the volume on the voice of your inner coach. What new insights does it offer you? What feelings does it produce for you?

3. Practise this activity frequently. Let you inner coach get bigger and stronger.

Exercise B

Write in your journal – have a Gupta Recovery Journal. Write without thinking or analyzing about your inner critic. When you’re ready write down what your inner coach would say about what you’ve written – the wisdom of your true self. Or sometimes just seeing what nonsense your inner critic comes up with is enough to break the spell and restore your self confidence.

You can also write your inner critic and inner coach having a dialogue – and give yourself the practice you need to be able to start doing this in your head.

Brain Fog

2010-10-11T10:02:00.000+01:00

When the amygdala is overworking and the fight or flight reflex is constantly on, the belly muscles tighten, this forces your breath up into your chest. Unhealthy breathing equals tight belly and compensatory inflation of the chest. The blood that is oxygenated is directed to the big muscles in the legs and arms to enable us to fight or run away from the danger or perceived danger.   Simultaneously the brain is deprived of blood and oxygen because in this overaroused state we do not need to think or reflect.

If we are in a contant state of the amygdala overworking this leaves us in a constant state of brain fog. This is a challenging place to be as it literally means you can't think, reflect or analyse. And this leads to inaction and possibly going down into despondent feelings.

The solution - is to re-oxygenate the brain as quickly as possible and as much as possible.  An option is to invert the body - so 'elevated legs up the wall' is a restorative yoga pose to use. This posture can be done for a few minutes at first and built up over time and done as often as needed each day and evening. Another option is to improve your breathing from the restrictive 'fight or flight' as often as needed.  Breathing techniques range from simply lying with your hand on your belly and relaxing so you can extend your exhalation to alternate nostril breathing. Breathing through your left nostril only is a quick way to relax and begin to re-oxygenate the brain. If ou are already practising yoga postures then doing a simple yoga routine is the quickest way to clear brain fog as you are clearing the 'fight or flight' problems throughout the body and restoring a balanced state to your body and mind.

The importance is to understand that brain fog is something you can clear with simple techniques - and to be clear about this so when the brain fog sets in and you can't think - you already know what you need to do to feel better.

If your body is very symptomatic and low in oxygen then it may take time to relax and re-oxygenate. Therefore the legs up the wall and breathing are best done every day and as often as possible. And start doing yoga postures as soon as possible - starting off with gentle stretches and building up gradually.

Once the brain fog is lessening it will be easier to do the Amygdala Retraining.

Bedbound

2010-09-11T16:16:00.000+01:00

If you're reading this and have read about the Gupta Programme and you are 'bedbound' or housebound then have you really understood the condition you have - the physical symptoms you have? They are not a disease and they will not be fixed by staying still.

The physical symptoms - especially the tiredness/fatigue are caused by negative thoughts stimulating the amygdala and causing adrenalin and other hormones to flood your body, and if there is no 'fight or flight' taking place in response to this natural instinct, then the hormones cause your physical symptoms. If you move then the effect of the hormones can be lessened. If you stay in bed the physical symptoms will damage your body. If you worry that moving will make you tired then you are continually stimulating the amygdala and causing more phyiscal symptoms. So using the Gupta Programme to stop the negative thoughts is essential. Using the Amygdala Retraining stops the physical symptoms from coming and the moving heals your body.

Yes, when you start moving you will be tired because your body is weak. So pace yourself and stop the negative worries - you need to do both. Trust that your body by moving will get stronger and with the Gupta Programme your mind will get stronger too. Together the two will ensure you recover. It's not easy, I know, but it's the best way.

Don't let the fear keep you in bed or in the house.

As long as the doctor has told you that you have no medical reasons for your condition, if you know it's ME, CFS or fibromyalgia then start moving. The adrenalin and hormones need to be cleared out by moving as soon as they are coming in.

Starting on restorative yoa too is going to help you recover more quickly. Start while lying in bed - stretching and bending.

Remember it's not the movement, exercise or activity that is causing your physical symptoms - it's the negative thoughts that trigger the amygdala. Recovery is about pacing and mindfully moving and stopping the negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts

2010-09-10T10:53:00.000+01:00

The Gupta programme refers to negative thoughts - unfortunately language is never really enough or accurate about what we are truly feeling and experiencing. When I coach clients their response to this part of the programme is "but I am a really positive person" and "I have really focussed on being positive and not complaining". And this is true they do put on a brave face and act as if they are okay. Only it is a bit of a paint job over deep cracks and avoids looking at what is negative. These thoughts are negative because they trigger the amygdala not because of what you are actually thinking. I was positive for years, ignored my negative thoughts and so got symptoms. By ignoring the 'negative' I wasn't dealing with the cracks under the bright paint job I was presenting to people. A negative thought is any thought that triggers the amygdala. These thoughts are anxiety, fear-based thoughts that we think about a situation that other people wouldn't necessarily react to with these 'negative' thoughts. When some people speak in public they don't have negative thoughts before they do this - whilst many many people will unconsciously be thinking 'negative' thoughts which will create anxiety and trigger the amygdala and lead to physical symptoms. The Gupta Programme supports you to bring these negative thoughts out into the open and then with awareness STOP them and reframe them into living positively. And it's this distinction that is essential.

Do live positively, smile and laugh and also become aware of your unconscious negative thoughts that are triggering your amygdala. Once you stop the negative thoughts the physical symptoms will heal and you will live positively naturally. Just putting on a brave face is not enough - it's necessary to look at the dark side and trust that by letting those thoughts out you can stop them. It's a fine line between repressing negative thoughts and STOPPING them in language but in reality the difference is stopping them happens after they've come up into your consciousness.

When I let my negative thoughts come up and out I realised I was anxious about social situations I was amazed. All those years I'd had symptoms because I had a fear of social situations. By stopping the thoughts which are not real - there is no rational reason for me to fear social situations - I was no longer triggering my amygdala and my physical symptoms stopped. It took a while, the negative thoughts had been around for many years. But it was so worth the effort.

Become aware of the negative unconscious thoughts and then stop them. Don't be positive on it's own - smiles and laughter come after the negative comes up and out .

Keep Occupied

2010-08-23T09:24:00.000+01:00

When your mind, body and emotions are exhausted the amygdala is still firing and stress hormones still stimulating so the mind races agitatedly and watches each second pass. To free yourself from this catch22 situation you need a crutch to rest your mind on. And that crutch is to keep occupied and to do what you choose calmly and peacefully. This is not about 'doing' but 'being'. The choice of what you do will enable the mind to be distracted from your symptoms and accepting and floating in what occupys it now. Your attention is focussed and all thoughts are repalced so that the amygdala can rest.

The question is 'what to occupy yourself with'? I started painting my flat (it took months) - very slowly and without any pressures. Other clients have reconditioned old cars, started quilting, started gardening and building model toys. All of these activities were done in relaxed way, breathing calmly and without pressure. It is not easy not to rush, to set a deadline or to judge what you're doing.

Be aware that normal activities, like cleaning for example, may still be things that trigger anxiety and the amygdala will overwork when you think about having to clean. So avoid being occupied by just 'anything', like wth work you used to do as activities you were doing when your amygdala started overworking will still hold strong negative thoughts.

If you are still in bed or lying on the sofa and can't believe this is possible - ask youself "are you any better for having been in this state for the last x months"? You are going to start a creative activity and pace yourself. You cannot damage your body and indeed your muscles will regain they ability to function normally. Muscles that have not been used for some time will always complain when first used again. Their aching is only their peevish protest, not a measure of damage done by their re-use. In fact, in spite of such aching they will regain their normal strength much quicker when used than when laid aside to rest. The tiredness of CFS is real and will still require restorative practices (breathing, meditaiton etc) and some rest, but only a certain amount. Balance and pacing.

The body will recover as the mind finds peace and the mind is more likely to find peace when occupied that when brooding. An hour spent in bed with the amygdala overworking as your thoughts race will exhaust you more than some light work. Your body is ready to obey any reasonable demand, however exhausted you may think youself, provided you are interested in what you are doing and not in watching your body work for fear you may 'overdo it'.

It is okay to overdo it slightly in the beginning. It is not unusual tobe in a quandary trying to estimate how much work to attempt so as not to overtire. Don't take on obviously too strenuous things yet it is better to work and risk overtiring yourself than to do nothing for frear of it. If you do overtire, don't lose confidence and regret what you did. Accept the fatigue calmly, rest and work again, two steps forward to each step back.

Leave the dishes make artificial flowers or breed dogs. You need to be interested in it so your mind, body and soul can rest and be soothed. When you are symptom free you can get back to the dishes and cleaning and career work. Right now the body needs distraction so it can heal.

Oxygen

2010-08-18T08:55:00.000+01:00

It is a fact that physical symptoms can be healed by using breathing practices. There is a simple but encompassing reason that may explain this. The human body is designed to discharge 70 percent of its toxins through breathing. Only a small percentage of toxins are discharged through sweat, defecation, and urination. If your breathing isnot opeating at peak efficiency, due to being constantly triggered into the stress response, you are not ridding yourself of toxins properly. This means other systems of your body, such as your kidneys must work overtime. This overwork can set the stage for physical symptoms.

Shifting to abdominal breathing will nourish the body with oxygen so that you can cope with stress.

It is essential to integrate breathing practices into your daily routines.

Discipline

2010-08-17T12:04:00.000+01:00

Discipline~~what comes to mind with this word? The mind can come up with all kinds of pictures, feelings and past experiences as to what Discipline is. It is usually about forcing ourselves to do things - a rigid, strict programme to achieve something. People think it's a mean, strict, way of achieving things.  It can feel like it is parental, something imposed from the outside.   Not infrequently, we want to rebel against discipline. When as a child you are punished if you don't achieve - ie have discipline - this creates fear around the word 'discipline'.

The word 'discipline' is widely misunderstood.   The word comes from 'disciple' - a follower of Jesus and the word means to follow the teachings that bring you love and happiness. This is something we cultivate on the inside. It is a Power we cultivate for ourselves by following love. It is about becoming a Disciple unto ourselves.

We often struggle with the discipline needed to recover and heal ourselves because of our thought about what discipline means. The thought we have is what goes on to create anxiety. So it's not the discipline itself that is the problem but the thoughts.     So now we have a new understanding of what discipline means we can use it to recover from our symptoms. We need to have discipline to do our yoga postures, breathing exercises, meditations and stop our negative thoughts. By knowing that discipline is good - it's time to become a disciple to your own healing.
"True Discipline is to become a Disciple unto yourself. To discipline yourself as a warrior of truth, to wake up to You, to all of you, to your Love is becoming a Disciple. Discipline creates flow in your life and it opens your river wider, and loosens you from the banks of the river, loosens you from the patterns that keep you skimming the surface. The surface is where you hang on to your false identities and patterns that keep you from being in a mature flow. The surface is where you go against yourself and align with others that go against you."

Healing is being a disciple unto yourself - taking self-responsibility and learning new ways that work in your life.

DISCIPLINE CREATES ENERGY. Discipline simply creates more personal will.

"Discipline creates the momentum for a huge flow of love and life within you and gives you the energy to drop into the midstream, into the depth where your true Life is found. Your soul Life, not your programmed Life."

Absence

2010-08-13T14:56:00.001+01:00

After a few months absence I am back!

I had a few large life challenges on top of each other and this challenged my energy. I chose not to support others while I was focusing on myself but now I'm back. As ever it was a learning experience and I have come out of it wiser and stronger. I spent the summer camping and climbing Munros (Scottish Mountains over 914m) in the sun and rain.

More posts to follow.

Friends reunited

2010-01-13T20:26:00.000Z

An old friend from University and I got back in touch. And I faced a dilemma. How to explain to my friend my life since I last saw him. This is what I told him:

...............................My life has been a challenge ......................... - I now know I have had light ME/chronic fatigue since I was 17 and got to be bedbound at 32. Since then been on a journey to recover my energy to more than just supply teaching and minimal social life. Finally getting higher energy and climbing mountains, building up own business. I am happy having spent so many years exploring the psychology and spirituality of mind and body. ............................................................it was just that I could never tell many people about my 'condition' and struggle so it was hard to relate; ......................... I'll check in and see if we can meet up - London triggers my stress response big time but I now have the tools to cope with it!

Now I re-read it I don't think one can ever really explain what the 'condition' is and how it affects one's life. And I am accepting that it doesn't really matter. I travelled my own journey and it's okay. I think there's times to explain and times to gloss over. Choose in the moment. And know that IT IS AS IT IS.

Our Story - letting go for the New Year

2010-01-12T20:25:00.000Z

I was working with a client this week, and her story kept coming up. What do I mean by that? When I first meet a client they tell me their 'story'. They talk about the ups but mostly the downs, the successes but mostly the failures. They usually blame, judge and feel guilty, despairing, lost, confused amongst the myriad of so-called negative emotions. Once I've heard their story I don't want to hear it again. Does this sound harsh? Let me explain. I am not a counsellor or psychotherapist which are talking therapies. I am a coach and so I focus on the present moment and being proactive. I focus on changing 'bad' habits that arise everyday and creating new habits that lead to energy and wellbeing. In order to change talking about the past and living in the future are not helpful. So the 'story' is not needed as this is based primarily in the past and holds us back. Occasionally recalling a past incident can help understand a habit that is happening every day and certainly forgiving people from the past is necessary. However, coaching is about living in the present and planning for the future.

The 'story' is not helpful because it triggers our stress response. The 'story' is the past and the past holds the thoughts that have entered our unconsciousness and become stressors. When we are stuck in CFS or fibromyalgia our story has usually become one big trigger. Most of our thoughts cause us to become stressed and our body reacts and the cycle of physical symptoms continues.

It's time to let go of your story, forgive and forget. It's time to create a new story for ourselves. A story that is peaceful, calm and assertive filled with passion and freedom. That's what a coach does. It's not easy, letting go of our past and reorganising our future dreams is painful in the moment. Yet, the pleasure it will bring once it's done is immense. Stop the complaining and blaming and move on to the smiling and laughing.

Pacing

2009-12-08T19:16:00.000Z

I've read a few different comments from ME/fibromyalgia recoverers about 'pacing'. In the UK the NHS offers some support to people with ME/fibromyalgia and one of those programmes includes 'pacing'. Where they are encouraged to exercise and increase it over a period of time. As the body is exhausted it is imperative that the person starts off doing an exercise that suits their energy. So lots of people are against 'pacing'. In my opinion it's not the pacing that's the issue, it's what exericse they do and how intense they start doing it.

When I recovered I 'paced' myself. I set out to walk every day and paced myself. I increased the distance I walked each day and listened to my body for when and how far. When I started to practice yoga and realised how beneficial it was, again I paced myself. I listened to my body and did what worked for me each time I practiced. Gradually over a period of time by pacing, my body was getting more and more supple and relaxed. Pacing worked for me.

However, I had a coaching session with a client today and they are seeing a physiotherapist to support their exercise but the physio has started off at too high a level of exercise. She is being asked to cycle and row and increase this each session. But as her body is exhausted this is not working - it's not the pacing - it's the type of exercise.

I think it's essential in recovery that exercise is part of the programme. However, it's gentle, relaxing exercise that's required not high cardio. The heart is exhausted and the main muscles (arms and legs) are exhausted. So the body's muscles need to rest and relax as well as move. Walking, yoga, pilates and tai chi are all excellent exercises. And if you're learning these from a teacher or dvd it's essential that you still work at your own 'pace' and not be pushed into doing too much. As a yoga teacher I know it's essential that you don't let yourself be pushed by a teacher. Pace and be responsible. One day you'll be able to cycle, step aerobics, run and row!

Please move and please pace.

First time

2009-12-01T12:08:00.000Z

Last week was my first time teaching yoga to a group of adults and I did it twice in that one week, covering for a friend. The anxiety and negative thoughts started coming thick and fast during the weekend before. The last time I had taught a group of school children I hadn't come across the Gupta Programme. I was managing to work as a supply teacher which at the time I thought was a good way to live as it gave me flexibility to have time off when I got tired. I then took on a six month part-time teaching contract and I ended up having a full-on relapse. At that time I had no idea that I was anxious and having negative thoughts. Even though I knew I was a good teacher deep down in my unconscious there was negative programming from my childhood added into my being highly sensitive.

This is what is so insidious about this condition - I just didn't know how much my thinking was affecting my health. As much as I read about this mind-body connection I still hadn't understood how it was working in my day-to-day reality. I didn't know that I had so many negative thoughts. I couldn't hear the thoughts! I didn't know I was scared of people. I just thought I was shy! Now I know how deep these fears are and how they affect my daily actions.

Now I know - which is great. I know I have these thoughts. Now I can change them. And I do. I felt the fear when I went to teach. I did my relaxation breathing and visualisations. I kept my body in the parasympathetic state as much as possible and I used the Gupta techniques on my thinking. I did get some symptoms as a result of the adrenalin but I followed that up with more yoga and breathing. The second time I taught I remembered how good I had felt after the class and I used that feeling to focus on. I experienced less fear this time and carried on doing all my techniques. It was easier the second time and again I felt so good afterwards. It took me a couple of days to recover from the stress response that had been triggered but I recovered quickly and didn't spiral down into a relapse.

So onwards and upwards. I intend to live the life I want without fear however long it takes to get there!

Walking

2009-11-26T11:02:00.001Z

Just back from walking up Dumgoyne Hill, and I marvel at how wonderful I feel after the climb. The ascent is quick and steep and so a challenge. My heart was racing and I stopped frequently to rest. It was so worth it for the view and exhilaration from the top. Today's personal achievement.

When I think back to when I first found myself so exhausted I couldn't get out of bed, I can hardly connect these two experiences. I remember making myself get up each morning and force myself to make a cup of fruit tea before collapsing onto the sofa. That was also a personal achievement. Each day I made myself achieve more and more. I made myself go outside and walk. Each day I made myself go a bit further. I lived in Bristol, half way down Whiteladies Road from the Downs and my challenge was to make it up to the Downs. I had a small hill to walk up and each day I went a little bit further until I could walk to and round the Downs. I paced myself, I listened to my body complaining and I listened to my heart saying there's a balance between rest and movement. Yes, I needed to rest and recover and yes, I needed to release the tension trapped in my body by moving.

It's easy to say and write this - it's not easy to do. I know I've been there.

It is worth it though. It's worth pacing, it's worth pushing your physical body to move again. I climbed a hill today. It's worth it. Don't let the pain hold you back. Pace yourself. The body is a remarkable 'machine' and will heal quicker with movement. I am so glad I moved. Keep moving!

Caffeine

2009-11-14T13:35:00.001Z

Oh, I love espresso coffee - the smell is intoxicating. And the taste of a good blend of coffee just knocks your socks off. When I started to get symptoms of fatigue - around about 17 I needed coffee. I needed that morning kickstart to get going for the day. And if I did want to socialise in the evening I always had a shot or two in the early evening to make sure I was buzzing.

Why - because coffee has caffeine which is a psychoactive stimulant drug. It creates an alertness and reduces drowsiness. The problem for me is that it added to the detrimental effects on my body from the effects of stress hormones. I was already not digesting properly and then I added in to that a drug that caused me to be more irritable, unable to sleep and anxious. Not the best situation when I was already struggling.

Then there was also the caffeine I was taking in from chocolate and coca cola. I loved diet coke. For the same reason - the energy rush. When I went camping and we didn't have camp stove I drank a diet coke every morning first thing! Ehhh. Now I look back and I can't believe it. I was doing what I could to keep going. I didn't know I had a problem and I didn't know how to ask for help. I hid my fatigue and listlessness from all of my friends and family.

Every now and then I would try to 'come off' coffee. I sort of knew how much I needed it and knew it wasn't good. Detox was around for the first time in the 90s and at the time yo-yo dieting was a big part of my life. I managed to get down to one cup of coffee in the morning and occasionally a shot if I was going out for a big night out. It was an improvement. I cut coke out altogether - I'd learned that it was possible the sweetners could cause diseases and I didn't think it was worth the risk. My body and mind were delicate enough already adding lots of chemicals was just not worth it.

The day I couldn't get out of bed was the day I gave up coffee for good. I vowed I would restore my body's natural energy and not use chemicals anymore - even if they are natural. I also vowed not to give in and stay in bed. Each day I got up, and moved around my flat. And each day I walked a bit further until I was walking up to the Bristol Downs. It wasn't easy. I was in pain and I was so tired. In all that brain fog I just knew I wasn't going to stay in my flat all the time.

Now I can feel when I eat chocolate - especially high cocoa chocolate - the buzz. It's so strange. I now prefer getting the buzz from deep relaxation and meditation. And it's so much healthier. I eat and drink what my body wants 80% of the time and now and then have some luxury items that my body doesn't always appreciate! It's all about moderation and what works for your own individual mind and body. I do what works for me and I've accepted I can't eat and drink what other people do. IT IS AS IT IS!

Breathing

2009-11-12T13:57:00.004Z

When I first got CFS symptoms my breathing was very low - almost non-existent. My body was so tense that to my first massage therapist I appeared to be a suit of armour. My muscles were so tight I was restricting my breathe. On inhalation my stomach didn't rise and on exhalation it didn't fall! My diaphragm was hardly working - everything was so tight. I went to learn to sing and my singing teacher couldn't believe the lack of movement and thus my inability to sing! I placed my hand on my abdomen and when I inhaled my stomach didn't rise. And I didn't even know that this was supposed to happen!

We need to be relaxed in order to allow our natural breathe cycle to occur. We need to take in the correct balance of oxygen and release the correct amount of carbon dioxide. When the body is frightened and it goes into the stress response, our breathing is increased to enable us to 'fight or flee'. This is called shallow breathing (done at the top of the lungs) and is only necessary for short periods of time if we need to run away or fight to survive. If we are leading a normal, healthy life we need to be breathing with all our lung capacity.

Over the years I have done various things to relax and during that time I still hadn't made the connection between how essential breathing is to my energy levels. Partly this was to do with 'foggy brain' and not being able to take on new information and partly to the continued denial that my symptoms were down to the simple stress response gone wrong. With the Gupta programme it gave me the confidence to fully take on the cause of my symptoms was my amygdala overworking. Now my first step to energy and focus is my breath.

The first thing I do - and it is possible anywhere at anytime - is to extend my exhalation. Exhaling takes you straight into the parasympathetic nervous system and so into a state of relaxation. So I start counting my inhalation to say 4 counts and then exhaling to 5,6,7 or 8 depending on how much I can do. I carry on with this pattern for as long as it takes.

If I have the time and space I do alternate nostril breathing and use some chill out music to time myself for anything from a couple of minutes to 15 minutes. There are other yogic breathing techniques which I learned from teachers and for these advanced ones I would recommend learning with a qualified teacher.

I also found that I was breathing with my mouth open. This is because when you need to flee or fight you need to get lots of oxygen into the body to fuel the muscles. So at night (and when no one was around in the day) I would put some medical tape on my mouth to make my body breathe through my nose. And if I noticed I was agitated, getting stressed I would check my mouth and shut it as quickly as possible. It was a definite help at night when I was sleeping.

I've always found it strange that a bodily function that happens without us thinking about it can also be controlled. The mind-body connection is a true mystery that science is finding a challenge to unravel.

Now I am relieved that I have an understanding of how my energy (chi, prana, breath) works and that I can return it to a healthy state quickly and easily. It took a while to learn the techniques and make them into habits but now I have it's a great way to restore my energy.

Food intolerance - physical symptoms

2009-11-06T13:43:00.005Z

I ate a cheesey pizza and a glass of cider last night. After I'd eaten it, my stomach was bloated, I was so stuffed, definitely overfull. Burping and passing wind, which is not usual after I've eaten!! Which reminded me of the challenging old days of food intolerances.

The physical symptoms that are experienced when you have CFS/ME or fibromyalgia are real. They are areas where the body has broken down due to the continued overload effects of the stress response. Initially the body is strong enough to clear the hormonal effects of adrenaline and cortisol etc. Eventually a viscious cycle ensues as the two hormones together stimulate the amygdala to keep thinking more and more events are dangerous. And more and more hormones cause more and more damage to areas of the body and mind.

The stress response gives energy to the main muscles in the arms and legs so we can either fight or flee from the perceived danger. As the stress response is being activated by a myriad of non-dangerous events (what the amygdala thinks are dangerous) we don't fight or flee and the hormones are left in the body causing damage.

One of the main effects of stress is on the digestive system. The digestion system shuts down as this is not needed when fleeing or fighting! As a result of this over time I developed such a weak digestive system that I was not converting calcium and my nails which as a child had been strong, were now soft and splitting. I had diahorrea and bloating. And if I ate certain foods such as wheat or dairy I felt much worse the day after. I also had candida symptoms (most unpleasant) and these were worsened when I ate refined sugar or yeast like mushrooms. My recourse at the time was to go on to the caveman diet and I ate only meat and vegetables. The first time I went on it was fairly easy, I felt so much better on the restricted diet and I wanted to get back to work. This was 14 years ago so there was hardly any wheat-free, etc foods though I was living in Bristol and they had a couple of great health-food shops with some products - how times have changed now the big supermarkets stock these alternative products.

I felt better after a few months off work resting and eating the restricted diet but when I started back at work and the events that stressed me returned, I crumbled. I couldn't stop myself from eating comfort foods and I was back at square one. At this time I didn't know all the connections or understand my condition and so I was on and off with the food intolerance restrictive diets constantly. I thought this was the problem - that the food/digestion/candida was what I needed to cure. It became such a stress to add to my already overloaded mind and body!

Over the years as I learned more and more about the condition, I was meditating and resting, and at times I was able to eat a variety of food. At other times I chose the 'bad' foods and took the worsened symptoms the days after. I learned over this time to listen to my body, I was working with body hunger and fullness signals. I was working with what did my body want to eat not my mouth. I learned what effects certain foods had on my body and I chose what worked for me and let go of needing to eat what my mind wanted.

The most important thing I learned was that these physical symptoms were that - just symptoms. They were not what was causing my lack of energy. The cause was my amygdala was overworking and I was in constant stress response. The side effect was all the physical and mental symptoms. I did need to support my body at this time by not giving it food it couldn't handle but the root cause was what I really needed to focus on. And that didn't come until many years later when I finally understood and accepted that my CFS was caused by what I perceived to be stressful and how my body responded to those stresses. I needed to relax my mind and body and retrain my amygdala.

Nowadays I could eat most foods. However, I choose to eat what my body wants. And my body still doesn't like high refined sugar foods, too much alcohol, too much wheat and it doesn't like dairy (sinusitis right away!). My mind and body hate caffeine too, so unless I deliberately want to stay awake like on a long drive I don't drink any. I can reenergise myself now with breathing and relaxation so I don't need to choose caffeine. Any foods that stimulate the body are not good for people who are highly sensitive and have quick stress responses. I eat a balanced healthy diet in moderation with some treats because it works for me and I choose to have energy and maintain my natural body weight.
The physical and mental symptoms are real - but the are not the cause - it's the cause that I work on and by doing that the physical and mental symptoms cleared up pretty quickly.

Writer's block

2009-11-05T15:37:00.001Z

I can see why people get writer's block - it is really scarey writing and wondering if anyone is going to read what you have written. And if anyone does read it what they will think of what you've written!

My upper back is so sore, when I touch the muscles they are so tender. Even more yoga, breathing and meditation this evening. And amygdala retraining whenever I think negatively about blogs, writing and being read!

Fear

2009-11-05T14:47:00.004Z

It is a constant source of amazement that I am so fearful - full of fear. I get the reasons I am yet I still am amazed at what I fear - what causes me stress.

I wrote my first post on this blog yesterday and by that evening I was feeling terrible. I realised I was feeling fearful and my body was going into 'flight or fight' stress response. I had already done my evening breathwork and meditation but I was definitely getting physical and mental symptoms. I did a restorative yoga pose - legs up the wall (viparita karani) and could feel my body and mind relaxing. Once I was feeling a little better I used other techniques from the Gupta Programme to carry on the retraining of my amygdala so I would not go into the stress response so easily. It didn't matter what the fear or situation was that was triggering me, what mattered was I had missed the negative thoughts earlier in the day and my body had gone into the stress response. If I'd been aware of the negative thoughts earlier I could have done some amygdala retraining straight away and avoided the physical symptoms. But the best thing is I have the tools and techniques to keep restoring a relaxed state in my mind and body. And importantly the stress no longer builds up and up inside me until I relapse.

I woke refreshed this morning and was reflecting on the previous evening. I realised that writing the blog had triggered a massive fear - fears arising from beliefs I still have programmed in me. I imagine the fear comes from me making public my weaknesses and the vulnerability of saying I have recovered using certain tools and techniques. Once I realise these fears are creating negative thoughts I am more easily able to catch them next time they come up and use the Gupta tools straight away and avoid getting full-on physical and mental symptoms.

I was coaching a client the other day and my client was reflecting on how she can get stressed just from thinking about doing something she really enjoys. It took me back to when I lived in the middle of nowhere and still got symptoms. I was able to explain that once the mind and body are overloaded, your mind and body just get weaker and weaker from the detrimental effects of adrenalin/cortisol in your system. Your amygdala keeps on and on until it is working day and night (even when we sleep). Then even the smallest of events keep stimulating the stress response and your body keeps showing the effects of adrenal overload in physical and mental symptoms. Only by supporting your body to relax more and more and by retraining your amygdala can you return to a state where you are not stressed by such minor events.

I'm ready for some deep relaxation - yoga nidra now to keep me calm.

Sharing my experiences

2009-11-04T16:02:00.007Z

It's National Stress Awareness Day - so a meaningful day for me to start sharing my experience with Stress and the physical symptoms I have developed because I don't 'do' stress well. I have been in denial for a long time now because for me admitting I don't 'do' stress well is very difficult. I watched 'Loose Women' today and they discussed how they 'do' stress and it was great to hear other people openly sharing how they have struggled with fear, nerves due to 'stressful' situations and it made it easier to write this....

I first got physical symptoms that the medical profession now call 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome' or 'ME' when I was 17. I was studying for A levels, finding the whole boyfriend thing traumatic, and my Mum went into hospital. At that time I was terribly embarassed to have the physical symptoms - flu or glandular fever as it was called then, that I never talked about it with anyone. I just started to live this half life where I would take time out, leave places early, give excuses not to go out and about, spend time alone and do lots of sleeping. Pretty much all of university was a struggle to stay awake for lectures, do some work and manage some social life.

Now I know that my ability to cope with life was very low; I have a genetic disposition of being highly sensitive and I didn't experience a particularly secure attachment to my parents in my first two years and I lived in fear of my father daily in a fairly dysfunctional middle-class family. (I have accepted my experiences and forgiven my parents and know they did the best they could considering their own family upbringings.)

So here I am today, finally living a life where I understand what 'stress' is to me personally, what it does to my physical body and what I need to do to live a more energised, fulfilling life.