Caffeine

Oh, I love espresso coffee - the smell is intoxicating.  And the taste of a good blend of coffee just knocks your socks off.  When I started to get symptoms of fatigue - around about 17 I needed coffee.  I needed that morning kickstart to get going for the day.  And if I did want to socialise in the evening I always had a shot or two in the early evening to make sure I was buzzing. 

Why - because coffee has caffeine which is a psychoactive stimulant drug.  It creates an alertness and reduces drowsiness.  The problem for me is that it added to the detrimental effects on my body from the effects of stress hormones.  I was already not digesting properly and then I added in to that a drug that caused me to be more irritable, unable to sleep and anxious.  Not the best situation when I was already struggling. 

Then there was also the caffeine I was taking in from chocolate and coca cola.  I loved diet coke.  For the same reason - the energy rush.  When I went camping and we didn't have camp stove I drank a diet coke every morning first thing!  Ehhh.  Now I look back and I can't believe it.  I was doing what I could to keep going.  I didn't know I had a problem and I didn't know how to ask for help.  I hid my fatigue and listlessness from all of my friends and family. 

Every now and then I would try to 'come off' coffee.  I sort of knew how much I needed it and knew it wasn't good.  Detox was around for the first time in the 90s and at the time yo-yo dieting was a big part of my life.  I managed to get down to one cup of coffee in the morning and occasionally a shot if I was going out for a big night out.  It was an improvement.  I cut coke out altogether - I'd learned that it was possible the sweetners could cause diseases and I didn't think it was worth the risk.   My body and mind were delicate enough already adding lots of chemicals was just not worth it. 

The day I couldn't get out of bed was the day I gave up coffee for good.  I vowed I would restore my body's natural energy and not use chemicals anymore - even if they are natural.  I also vowed not to give in and stay in bed.  Each day I got up, and moved around my flat.  And each day I walked a bit further until I was walking up to the Bristol Downs.  It wasn't easy.  I was in pain and I was so tired.  In all that brain fog I just knew I wasn't going to stay in my flat all the time. 

Now I can feel when I eat chocolate - especially high cocoa chocolate - the buzz.  It's so strange.  I now prefer getting the buzz from deep relaxation and meditation.  And it's so much healthier.  I eat and drink what my body wants 80% of the time and now and then have some luxury items that my body doesn't always appreciate!  It's all about moderation and what works for your own individual mind and body.   I do what works for  me and I've accepted I can't eat and drink what other people do.  IT IS AS IT IS!